


thomas's big gay sober blog

by archipelago



Category: Political Animals
Genre: Past Drug Use, Swearing, TJ has a blog, TJ in therapy, TW: addiction, past alcohol abuse, story told through every medium but storytelling, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-02-27 20:51:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2706320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archipelago/pseuds/archipelago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i haven’t done blow in 28 days.  i haven’t had alcohol in 18 (i found my grandma’s stash, but she caught me before i could do more than take a sip) (also, yeah, i live with my grandma. stop judging me, anonymous internet assholes).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>TJ's therapist recommends he deal with his emotions by writing them down, so he starts a blog.</p>
<p>Story told through entries, texts, notes, calls, etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

thomas’s big gay sober blog

 

 

**first entry or whatever**  
 _july 27, 2012_

so, i’m thomas.

my therapist said that i might have an easier time dealing with my emotions if i talked about them instead of bottling them up. i told him that i didn’t have anyone to talk to about them, which was kind of a shitty realization, to be honest. anyway, he told me to keep a blog.

or, well, a journal, but this isn’t 1840. i have a fucking computer, thanks.

anyway, i don’t know if anyone will read this other than dr. kendrick (hey, by the way), but i’m going to switch people’s names and everything, so (including yours, dr. k, as you may have noticed). yeah. we’ll see.

i don’t know what else to say? um. i haven’t done blow in 28 days. i haven’t had alcohol in 18 (i found my grandma’s stash, but she caught me before i could do more than take a sip) (also, yeah, i live with my grandma. stop fucking judging me, anonymous internet assholes).

it’s really hard.

that’s all, i guess.

COMMENTS:

_Thomas, are you sure you want to put this on the internet? This is not exactly what we discussed. Also, blogging didn’t become popular until the early aughts--journals aren’t quite as passe as you seem to believe. Call me. --Dr. K_  


 

 

**From: thomasjh1982@gmail.com**  
To: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org  
Re: the blog

got your comment. i’m using something to throw off my router signal, and it’s not like i plan to use anyone’s real name. do you really think it’s a big deal?

 

**From: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org  
** To: thomasjh1982@gmail.com  
Re: the blog 

Obviously, you are a grown man and can make whatever decisions about your privacy that you desire. I will not stop you from doing this, if this is your preferred method of communicating your feelings. I do worry, however, that this is not the safest way to talk about things. If someone were to figure out that this is you, the entire world would be privy to your thoughts. It seems like an unnecessary risk.

 

**From: thomasjh1982@gmail.com  
** To: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org  
Re: the blog 

a week after my fifteenth birthday, a maid who was cleaning my room stole my porn and threatened to tell the world that i liked to jack off to muscley dudes, and that was why i had to come out when i did. to “avoid a scandal.” she had even signed a non-disclosure agreement and everything, but suddenly she had the proof and everyone got so paranoid that it would get out that i was gay that they just decided it was easier to get ahead of the news, or whatever. forgive me if i don’t feel super comfortable just leaving a book of my thoughts around. there’s no guarantee of privacy anywhere in my life.

 

**From: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org  
** To: thomasjh1982@gmail.com  
Re: the blog 

I didn’t realize that that was why you made that announcement at such a young age. Maybe we should talk about this at your next session?

Either way, I will follow your lead re: the blog.

 

 

**my brother**  
 _july 29, 2014_

my brother is pretty much perfect, right? like, the mary poppins of dudes. he has been as long as i can remember. perfect girlfriend, perfect grades. he is perfect at his job. i realize this all sounds kind of resentful, but i don’t mean it that way. at least, not completely. like, i wish i were better, but even if i were, he’d still be the best of the two of us. he’s just...genuinely good. 

or at least i thought he was.

i don’t know, man. my brother told me a secret tonight, and i can’t stop thinking about it. perfect benji (not his real name, obvs) did something terrible. not as terrible as the shit i’ve done, i guess. the realm in which i prove myself the most successful: being the family disappointment.

we were drinking lemonade on grandma’s porch (fucking lemonade, like we’re 12. what i would have given for a beer…) and talking about what we’ll do when i’m better (aka not going to dive nose-first into a pile of coke as soon as someone lets me out of their sight), and then: bam. he just lets loose this whole big...thing.

benji’s my brother. we shared a womb. i love him more than i love just about anyone. i thought i understood him, but this--i mean, it’s a hell of a secret. 

the whole things freaking me out, and i want a fucking fix so bad, but no one lets me out of the house, and while part of me realizes that that’s, you know, a good thing, the other part of me just wants to be high.

whatever.

COMMENTS

_Temptation is hard. It is very brave of your to recognize your desires for these substances, even as you abstain from using them. You should be proud of yourself, Thomas. I am proud of you. --Dr. K_  


 

 

**From: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org**  
To: thomasjh1982@gmail.com  
Re: Rescheduling

TJ -- I haven’t heard from you since you cancelled your appointment two days ago, and you haven’t updated your blog since the 29th. Are you okay?

 

 

To: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:45  
dude where r u? mom is about 2 literally birth a cow.

From: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:46  
That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. I wish I could unsee that text, you asshole.

From: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:47  
Also, we’re late because SOMEONE (aka ANNE) forgot her purse and we had to turn around and go get it from the hotel.

 

From: Anne  
8/3/12 13:50  
tell your brother to be nice to me or i’ll divorce him

To Anne:  
8/3/12 13:51  
my dear, if i could control him, i would

To Anne:  
8/3/12 13:51  
divorce him and b my beard, itll be gr8

From: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:51  
Stop hitting on my wife.

From: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:52  
Something I never thought I’d have to say to you.

To: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:52  
make me

To: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:52  
oh wait u cant bc UR NOT HERE. 

To: Dougie  
8/3/12 13:54  
dad wants me to play piano i s2g i will marry anne if u let that happen

From: Anne  
8/3/12 13:56  
[picture attachment]

To: Anne  
8/3/12 13:57  
omg he looks so mad i love it bless this picture and bless u for taking it

From: Anne  
8/3/12 13:59  
if this ruins my marriage i’m blaming you but also you’re welcome

To: Anne  
8/3/12 14:01  
<3 u. and dougie but mostly u.

From: Dougie  
8/3/12 14:02  
Why does Anne keep laughing? What are you two talking about?

 

 

**actual conversation with my grandma**  
 _august 3, 2012_

 

grandma: what are you doing over there on the computer?  
me: (as i try to think of a blog entry) nothing, grandma.  
grandma: are you looking at porn?  
me: (unable to speak because WHAT) !?1?!?  
grandma: is that why you won’t tell me?  
me: i’m not looking at porn!!!  
grandma: you didn’t use my credit card to sign up for a porn site, did you?  
me: I’M REALLY NOT LOOKING AT PORN  
grandma: don’t think i won’t check my statement  
me: GRANDMA, I AM TRYING TO WRITE A BLOG ENTRY  
grandma: oh, okay. sounds great! (wanders off like she didn’t accuse me of downloading porn on the laptop)

not sure what else to say…? my whole family came over tonight, ostensibly to celebrate my sobriety but actually to talk shit about the people my mom works with. like every single fucking dinner we have.

HE came up in conversation--just something HE said to the press that pissed off my dad, and of COURSE dad had to bring it up, and then dad and mom had a glaring match across the table. just like being sixteen again. ahh, the glory days of my youth.

i guess i could tell all of you about HIM but, ugh. i need to be at least four hundred times more fucked up to get into that. maybe next time.

COMMENTS:

_Good to see you are back at this. Give me a call, we’ll reschedule your appointment. --Dr. K_

 

 

_[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy or ignoring you. Leave me a message either way.]_

_TJ, you know I hate that message. I’ve asked you to change it a hundred times. What if--well, it doesn’t matter. I just called to check in on you and see if you were okay. I’m sorry dinner didn’t go like it was supposed to. Sometimes your father doesn’t think before he opens up his mouth. You should ignore what he said about you-know-who. I know how much that man meant to you. Call me if you want to talk, okay? I know you won’t, but...the offer stands, if you want. I think I”m about to get cut--  
END OF MESSAGE_  


 

 

 

_August 8, 2014_  
TJ Hammond - Week 10

Patient continues to struggle with his addictions and reports no real decrease in appetite or desire for them. Consistency is worrisome--withrdrawal ended weeks ago. Patient’s forced sobriety may not stick if allowed to manage own self.

Seemed particularly upset this week, in part due to the family dinner held five nights ago. Patient was distressed when his father brought up a past lover (of patient). Was not willing to give any further details, seemed agitated.

Patient is very depressed but still refuses to entertain the thought of medication.

 

 

**i gave my brother the link to my blog**  
 _august 10, 2012_

i didn’t think i would, considering i kind of talked shit about him a few entries ago, but whatever, it’s nothing i would not have said to his face. also, i might have ACTUALLY said it to his face (via the phone) when he called me at 4 am the other night because he “forgot what time it was.” i mean, who the fuck does that? besides mom, i guess. is a complete lack of respect for a proper sleep cycle an inherited trait?

anyway, hi benji, you motherfucker. i love you. i also love your wife. tell her to call me.

the other day at therapy, dr. k was all, “let’s talk about HIM” and i was like, “uhh, no.” but i figure if i’m going to reference HIM in this blog, i should probably give HIM a nickname or something. otherwise people might think i’m talking about jesus. or is the capital H-I-M god? fun fact: my family has consistently pretended to be religious without ever managing to teach me the first thing about christianity. or any other kind of religion, but there’s only one acceptable one in our line of work.

“our line of work.” like i’m a part of it. ha. i mean, peripherally, i guess? but mostly i own a club i can’t go to because the one time i tried, i OD’d. Failure with a capital F.

ANYWAY, i got hella off track. let’s just call him stuart. 

i hope no one reading this was expecting me to talk about stuart right now because haha fuck that

COMMENTS

_Dude, stop hitting on my wife, I mean it! --Benji_

_Also, “Benji”? WTF? --Benji_

_omg did you seriously just call me “dude” and use “wtf?” i’m going to print this out and put it on a t-shirt. it must be immortalized._  
-t

_Thomas, I am glad you are continuing to write entries. I know you weren’t feeling very good about the blog the other day in our session, and I appreciate that you’re sticking with it anyway. I think it will be good for you, in the long-term. It’s wonderful that you reached out to your brother, as well. --Dr. K_  


 

 

 

**he thought i was lying**  
 _august 14, 2012_

[my new shirt thanks benji.jpg]

COMMENTS:

_I WANT ONE. GIMME. --CLARABELLE HERMIONE TIMBERLAKE_  
btw this is your sister-in-law speaking. I went ahead and gave myself my own pseudonym. --CHT

_i’m pissing myself omg. CLARABELLE HERMIONE TIMBERLAKE YOU ARE THE PERFECT WOMAN. you’re so perfect you make me wish i liked women.  
-t_

_You two are the worst. --Benji_

 

_I don’t understand how you had this made so quickly. --Dr. K_

 

_Okay, but if I don’t get a shirt, I demand to know “Benji’s” secret. For serious. Call me? --CHT_

 

_@Benji this is all you, dude_  
-t

 

 

From: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:02am  
Anne will not stop asking about my secret.

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:06am  
anne is a gooddes n u should tell her

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:08am  
also don’t u ever sleep like a normal person

From: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:10am  
Well, I’m on the couch tonight, thanks to you and your blog.

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:12am  
i think u mean thx 2 u n ur dick

From: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:13am  
You’re right. Sorry.

From: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:15am  
I just don’t want to lose her. Fuck. That’s so selfish.

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:20am  
if u can do both parts of this convo can i go back 2 sleep pls

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:22am  
ok that was mena sry. i just feel shitty. but u should tell her. it’s going to wear u down until u do.

From: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:26am  
Are you okay? I am worried about you.

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:27am  
ugh don’t. i luv u 2, ok?

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:28am  
but don’t tell ne1 bc feelings r gross

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:30am  
the longer you wait the worse it will be

From: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:33am  
I hate it when you’re right.

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:35am  
it’s so rare. let me have this.

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:36am  
also let me go to bed its so fkn l8

From: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:38am  
Oh, shit. Sorry, didn’t notice the time. Night, TJ.

To: Dougie  
8/14/12 3:39am  
nite nite

 

**so this is probably my fault**  
 _august 16, 2014_

woke up this morning and went out into the living room to find benji sleeping on the couch.

cht, girl. call me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this finished for almost a month, but for some reason, I cannot get it to format correctly. I'm doing exactly what I did for the first chapter and having entirely different results. How frustrating! And when I finally gave up on that, some of the other formatting started giving me hell. To summarize: I've been mad at this story and ignoring it on purpose because I'm a mature adult.
> 
> Many thanks to everyone who commented, kudos'd, and subscribed. I figured 0 people would read this, in such a small fandom, and was surprised and encouraged to find a bigger audience than expected. I appreciate your support. :) Also, if you know how to fix formatting, hit me up because this is driving me bananas.

“If you’re calling to defend him, then you should hang up.”

“I’m not, I promise. I wanted to check on you, see how you are doing.”

“Me? I’m great. My marriage of two months is practically over, but I am ninety percent sure if I try to initiate any sort of proceedings, I’ll get a lecture about waiting for a while and giving it time. Which is code for _Elaine is thinking about running for President, so sorry, Anne, but you don’t get to have your own life or your own choices_. But other than that I’m peachy.”

“You’re gonna divorce him?”

“Isn’t that what you do when your husband has sex with someone else?”

“It’s not what my mom did. ...Shit, Anne. Don’t cry. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Pause. “Well, this time at least.”

“Ha fucking ha. You’re lucky you’re my favorite.”

“Sorry.” Sniff. “That was mean.”

“It’s fine. It’s not like it isn’t true. Come on, don’t cry. Talk to me.”

“I just--he fucked someone else. He did it. And then he convinced me to elope, like everything was fine, but it wasn’t, and I feel so _stupid_ \--”

“Did he tell you why he did it?”

“He said he was worried about us, about me and him. I don’t know. This is just--so unlike him, and I don’t know how to forgive him for this. I don’t think I want to.”

“Okay, well. I’m the only one in our family who is going to say this to you, but I feel like you deserve it from at least one of us, so.” Deep breath. “Take some time. Talk to him, and then think about it. If you want to forgive him, work on things between you two, then do it. It’s fine to want that. But if you don’t want to forgive him, then divorce him. No matter what anyone in my family tells you, if that’s what will make you happy, then you divorce him and do what’s best for you.”

“I don’t want your mom to have another reason to hate me.”

“What? My mom doesn’t hate you.”

Sigh. “I just--I wish I knew why it happened. I wish I understood what I did wrong.”

“You did nothing wrong. You’re a goddess. I adore you.”

“Why are you the gay one?” Sob. “I’m just--I have to hang up now. I have to--”

“It’s fine. I am always here if you need me. No matter what, you’re my sister, okay?”

“Stop being this nice to me immediately. It’s making me even more emotional.”

“I’ll never stop. Think about what I said, okay?”

“Okay. Bye, Teej.”

 

 

 _August 16, 2012_  
TJ Hammond - Week 11

Patient became very upset when asked about plans for the future. For future reference, do not bring up the piano unless patient initiates conversation.

 

 

**dr. k wants to know why i won’t play the fucking piano**  
 _august 16, 2012_

so have you ever done something for the first time and had that moment where you think, wow, this is it. i’ve found my thing. this is the thing i am meant to do. nothing has ever made me feel like this thing makes me feel. well, for a few years when i was younger, i thought piano was my thing.

i started playing as a kid. i was messing around with one and my dad overheard me and was all, thomas, you have a natural gift. and then he got me private lessons and i practiced all the time, and i was so happy. like, now that i think about it, i can’t remember ever being quite as happy as i was then. the pre-15 years were good years.

the post-15 years kinda fucking blew, but whatever. i still played constantly, only at that point piano was an escape, you know? and then it was time to go to college and i was like, damn, i wanna study music. like, a lot. and my parents were all supportive, especially my dad, who kept telling me i was gonna do something really special with my compositions. and i really believed him. that’s my fault, i guess. even back then i knew he was a liar.

so i applied for music programs in colleges all over the place, and i got an audition at THE college. you know, the dream school. and i was all pumped that they were even considering me, but the day of my audition arrived and i was like--man, so fucking scared. terrified. i couldn’t sleep or eat or do anything because all of a sudden i was thinking, like, what if i fail? what if i don’t get in? what if what if what if.

needless to say, i fucked up the audition. flubbed like four times. it was a trainwreck. i was so heartbroken. i got offstage and just had a meltdown. i knew i’d missed my opportunity for that school, THE school. and i was sitting there, clutching my sheet music, and all of a sudden i was all: holy shit, i really need to cry.

so i managed to slip away from everyone, which was no easy feat, let me tell you. and i went to the bathroom and sat in the stall and bawled my eyes out because i was so upset at myself for ruining everything, and just as i was getting control, the door opened. i was like, shit, i can’t come out, whoever it is will be able to see that i’ve been crying. so i brought my feet up and practically fucking crouched on the toilet lid.

then i heard the voices. it was two of the faculty who had been listening to the auditions. naturally i tuned the fuck in, and the first one says, i shit you not, “what did you think of thomas?”

and the second says, “i wish my daddy would have been rich enough to buy my place in this program.”

they laughed and washed their hands and left.

i was in denial for weeks. kept telling myself that they had to be wrong. i knew my audition had sucked, i wasn’t going to get in, there was no way. then i got my acceptance letter in the mail, and i knew. i knew that piano wasn’t my thing. it was the thing my dad had bought for me.

i tried to refuse my place and my parents made me go. i got addicted to blow and stopped going to classes and got kicked out in my junior year.

are you happy now, dr. k?

COMMENTS

_this made me cry. i love you. you play the piano beautifully --cht_

_Thomas, I am extremely sorry if I ever made you feel like you had to talk about this, especially in such an open forum. That was not my intent. We should discuss this at our next meeting. Please call me. I am worried for you. --Dr. K_

_omg i was just searching for music blogs when i found this and i don’t know u but i hope ur alrite? like i wish i could give u a hug? ur dad sounds messed up, puttin presure on u like that smh. hope ur ok man. --jess_

_@jess, do i know you? --t_

_nope just a concerned citizen lol good blog tho gonna keep readin i subscribed! --jess_

_@cht Will you talk to me? Please? --Benji_

_@Benji the comments are a sacred space, dude, knock it the fuck off. also, you might have noticed that i poured my heart out? wow. --t_

_I wrote you a novel through text. Thought it might be better to say what I wanted directly to you, rather than for everyone to see. I’m not a COMPLETE jackass. --Benji_

_beg to differ. --cht_

 

 

From: Dougie  
8/16/2012 9:38pm

I have been thinking about what you said on your blog all day. I read it as soon as you updated this morning, and just. I’m stuck out of town on this trip with Mom, and I wish I could say these things to you in person, but I don’t want to wait. So, sorry in advance for all the texts you’re about to receive.

From: Dougie  
8/16/2012 9:44pm

I’m so sorry. I don’t even know why, I just am. I think it’s at least in part because I never knew you felt this way? Like, at all. And I really thought I knew everything about you, that I knew you better than anyone else. Not that you aren’t allowed your secrets. You are, of course you are, I just. I didn’t know. 

From: Dougie  
8/16/2012 9:50pm

I wish there was just a phrase I could say, or a code word or something that would make this easier for you. Make everything easier for you. It’s taken me a long time to realize that there is no quick fix for addiction, for depression (I know I swore I’d never bring it up again after you mentioned it to me, but I lied. So. You have depression, and that’s terrible, and I wish you didn’t, and I love you). 

From: Dougie  
8/16/2012 9:56pm

Telling you how talented you are won’t make you believe it. I’m going to tell you anyway: you are so talented. But that doesn’t mean you have to pursue piano. Whatever makes you happy, that’s what I want for you. I know everyone else feels that way, as well. They’re just not very good at expressing it. We’re not good at feelings in our family. Or talking. Or telling the truth...basically if it requires emotional honesty, we kind of suck at it. Myself included, obviously. I wish I had been a better brother to you.

From: Dougie  
8/16/2012 9:59pm

I am proud of you for getting sober. I am proud to be your family. Nothing you can say or do will make me feel any differently.

To: Dougie  
8/16/2012 10:33pm

ugly tears, u assohle

To: Dougie  
9/4/2014 10:35pm

ugh i cant even spel rite now

To: Dougie  
9/4/2014 10:36pm

luv u

From: Dougie  
8/16/2012 10:37pm

Love you, too.

To: Dougie  
8/16/2012 10:38pm

do me a favor n fix things w anne

From: Dougie  
8/16/2012 10:42pm

I want that more than anything.

To: Dougie  
8/16/2012 10:44pm

make sure she knows that

  
 _[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy or ignoring you. Leave me a message either way.]_

_TJ, it’s your mother. Again. Calling for the third time in the past ten days. If Doug hadn’t reassured me that you’d been texting him the other night, I’d be convinced you were dead. Douglas and I have been putting out feelers for fundraising, and it seems to be going well. Fingers crossed. I got a strange email from your grandmother. She said you’d been playing depressing death music on the piano, and I’m just--I’m worried. Please call me back. Even if it’s only few a minu--_

 

END OF MESSAGE

 

 

 

 **From: thomasjh1982@gmail.com**  
To: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org  
Re: sorry

my nana made me tell her why i’ve been so upset, and she told me i have to write you and apologize for not showing up for our last two appointments and also for getting angry about the piano. so. sorry.

 

 **From: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org**  
To: thomasjh1982@gmail.com  
Re: sorry

Please let your grandmother know that while I appreciate the gesture, you have nothing for which you need to apologize. I am very glad you emailed me, however. I hope you’re ready to reschedule, and that we can discuss everything that happened in person. Call me whenever you need to, okay?

 

**on today’s episode of inappropriate things my grandmother has said to me**  
 _august 18, 2012_

me: *playing the piano*  
grandma: why do you only play things that make me want to swallow a bottle of pills  
me: NANA  
grandma: *pats my cheek* the truth hurts, dear

then we practiced showtunes together for like three hours. i shit you not. what is my life.

COMMENTS

_i kinda want to marry ur granma hahaha --jess_

_i’ll let her know you’re proposing. thnx for following, btw._  
\--t

_hell yea man my gf is reading too now but shes to shy to comment i’ll work on it haha --jess_

_i have things to tell you. --cht_

_girl you can’t do this to me. WHY YOU GOTTA PLAY ME LIKE THIS?_  
\--t

_Looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday, Thomas. --Dr. K_

 

 

From: Dougie  
8/19/12 12:23am

You need to call Mom. She is driving me insane asking about you.

To: Dougie  
8/19/12 12:26am

uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh FINE

From: Dougie  
8/19/12 12:29am

You know she worries because she loves you, right?

To: Dougie  
8/19/12 12:30am

yes ugh i know ok?

To: Dougie  
8/19/12 12:31am

lets talk abt anne

From: Dougie  
8/19/12 12:36am

Right, message received. I’ll let you be.

To: Dougie  
8/19/12 12:37am

:)

  
 _[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy or ignoring you. Leave me a message either way.]_

_I am going to work really hard at forgiving you for not picking up when YOU were the one who sent me forty text messages asking me what was going on. Unless you’re at NA or something, and then we’re good. But, okay. So. I talked to Douglas for a little while on the phone the other day, and it wasn’t--I mean, it wasn’t fun or good or anything, but it was productive. He apologized again, and we’re going to talk when he gets home from this thing with your mom. I’m not totally happy he went on that trip, by the way, but...he has always been the type to throw himself into work, hasn’t he? I just don’t know what--_  
END OF MESSAGE

 

_[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy or ignoring you. Leave me a message either way.]_

_Your voicemail is short and can go fuck itself, ugh!_

 

 

**a rare moment of honesty**  
 _august 21, 2012_

i saw dr. k earlier today, and we had a long talk about honesty. i tend to bottle things up, and then rather than deal with them, i take a ton of blow to help me forget they ever bothered me. turns out that’s not entirely healthy. haha who knew amirite?

anyway, we’re trying to come up with strategies to help me face my emotions and so he challenged me to say something very personal and very honest on this blog (as long as i felt comfortable) (the last entry where i poured my heart out apparently doesn’t count bc i was not dealing with those emotions in a positive manner) (i still think that’s bullshit because HELLO i was hella honest but whatever).

so here it is, my moment of truth:

i am so fucking horny i could cry.

i can’t remember the last time i got laid. probably because i was high as fuck but that’s not the point. the point is: it was a while ago. longer than i’ve gone without getting laid since i first started getting laid. AKA TOO LONG.

i am trapped in this stupid fucking house and just DAMMIT i really want to suck a dick okay

COMMENTS

_TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI TMI --cht_

_U POOR BABY --jess_

_lol well that is one definition of personal, certainly. --sara_

_THAT’S MY GF!!!!!!!! ^^^^_

_hi sara! thanks for commenting. glad jess brought you aboard. and cht, girl, i’m sorry i missed your calls, but your voicemails are like beautiful pearls. --t_

_PLEASE LET ME KNOW BEFORE YOU SCAR ME FOR LIFE. OH MY GOD. --Benji_

_HAHAHHAAA oops --t_

_I am honestly not sure how to respond to this post professionally. --Dr. K_

_WINNING --t_  



	3. Chapter 3

**really this entire blog is about my nana**  
 _august 25, 2012_  
grandma: did i ever tell you about the time  
me: wait wait wait  
grandma: what?  
me: on a scale of one to ten, how much is this story going to scar me emotionally?  
grandma: *suspicious silence*  
me: and be honest  
grandma: eight. ish.  
me: *runs out of room as fast as I can*

COMMENTS  
 _Oh man, I am pretty sure I know which story she was going to tell, and you made the right call. Can’t wait to see you (and Nana) soon! –Benji_

_Thomas, last time we spoke, you told me you would consider writing an entry about your life and the progression of your recovery. –Dr. K_

_uh, yeah. this is pretty much my life right now, gotta be honest. i talk to my grandmother and just exist.  
\--t_

_it culd b worse at least ur granma is hilarious –jess_

_jess, you’re a tiny ray of sunshine. bless you.  
\--t_

_hey thomas, do you have an email? --sara_

_??? @sara dm me, okay?  
\--t_

 

From: Anne  
8/26/12 12:45pm  
GUESS WHAT

To: Anne  
8/26/12 12:46pm  
do i have to?

From: Anne  
8/26/12 12:46pm  
YES

To: Anne  
8/26/12 12:47pm  
is it dougie related?

From: Anne  
8/26/12 12:49pm  
): no. but I spoke to your grandmother and we decided that it would be a good idea for you to get out of the house for a while, so I’m going to pick you up for dinner this evening.

To: Anne  
8/26/12 12:50pm  
IS THIS THE REAL LIFE????

To: Anne  
8/26/12 12:50pm  
IS THIS JUST FANTASY????????????????????

From: Anne  
8/26/12 12:52pm  
lol, you’re ridiculous. but you’re doing super well and we’re all proud of you. plus, I read your blog and thought you deserved a break. so. don’t tell your mom, she hates me enough as it is.

To: Anne  
8/26/12 12:55pm  
my mom doesn’t h8 u??? i dunno why u think she does???? but I’m way 2 excited 2 care. COME PICK ME UP. FRESH AIR. REAL SUNLIGHT.

From: Anne  
8/26/12 12:56pm  
I’ll be over in a few hours, hold your horses. sheesh!

 

_[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy or ignoring you. Leave me a message either way.]_

_[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy—]_

_[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s—]_

_[Hey, you’ve re—]_

 

“What? What is it? Will you chill the fuck out? You’re driving me insane, Dougie.”

“Where are you?”

“…what do you mean?”

“I _mean_ that Mom insisted we head home early in order to surprise you—“

“Oh, God. She didn’t.”

“—and we just showed up at Nana’s house to find it empty. So. Where are you?”

“I’m at dinner.”

“With who?”

“Charlie Sheen and several prostitutes. Also, four different dealers. You know, for variety.”

“Look, wherever you are, it’s fine. Just tell me. I’ll come pick you up, okay? Relapses happen—“

“Are you—are you fucking kidding me? Doug, Anne showed up and took Nana and me to dinner. I just got my burger, but I slipped into the bathroom to take your damn phone call because I was starting to think you were dying, or something.”

“…oh.”

“Yeah. _Oh._ Now if you’ll excuse me—“

“Teej, wait. I didn’t—I’m sorry, that was stupid of me. I shouldn’t have assumed…”

“It’s fine.”

“It isn’t.”

“It’s not like I’ve given you many reasons to think better of me. It’s fine. I’m going to go finish my dinner, okay?”

“Wait! Before you go.”

“Yeah?”

“I may have accidentally done something stupid.”

 

**From: thomasjh1982@gmail.com**  
To: adrianpatrick@westmedcenter.org  
Re: PISSED OFF

dr. p, i am sorry to send you this email out of nowhere, but I don’t know what else to do right now. my brother accidentally mentioned my blog to my mom, and she chewed me out tonight about being irresponsible, and the family image, and just—it’s all bullshit. this family is bullshit.  
i want to be mad at doug, but i’m not. he didn’t mean to do it. nana and i had a showtunes jam session last week and apparently nana told mom about it, and she mentioned it to dougie and dougie was like, yeah, lol, i know, i read. doug’s just too honest like 98% of the time. he doesn’t think to lie. and he’s terrible at it when he does. i mean, he couldn’t even keep the whole cheating thing from anne for more than a few weeks.  
anyway, my mom wants to shut down the blog, but that feels so stupid. i’m being careful! no one knows it’s me! you know i got a thousand hits on my last entry? it’s been up two days! i mean, what the fuck. i’m not even really trying and this is going well. why can’t i have something that goes well????  
i know you probably think i’m whiny but i’m just so fucking sick of this family.

 

_[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy or ignoring you. If you’re my mom, I’m definitely ignoring you. Stop calling me.]_

_Very mature, TJ. What happens if someone from my office calls and hears that? I know—that’s not the point right now, I’m sorry. Look, I know you think I’m being some kind of dictator about this, and I wish I didn’t have to be. Douglas told me how we’ll you been doing with this whole blog thing, and the progress he’s seen in your mood the past few weeks, and I’m just…overwhelmed. If I could give this to you, TJ, I would. Please believe me. But I just don’t think we can risk this kind of coverage. If word gets out—  
END OF MESSAGE_

 

“TJ?”

“Hi, Mom.”

“Honey, I’m so glad you called. I feel awful about this whole blog thing. I didn’t realize it meant so much to you.”

“Right. So, let me ask you something. If Dougie had a blog, would you make him take it down?”

“TJ, you can’t compare yourself to your brother—“

“Because he’s not the fucked up one, right? Like, his blog would be all puppies and rainbows. _I went to work today for my mom, and it was great, oh boy!_ But God forbid that I want to express myself—“

“That is not what this is about. This is your personal information on the internet! Your family’s personal information!”

“Oh my God, you make it sound like I’m handing out your fucking phone number!”

“—n’t you swear at me, young man—“

“—and for once, I’m finally doing something right, and it’s not dangerous! I’m not fucking a married dude, or high out of my mind, or trying to hurt myself, or—or anything. I’m just…”

“Honey, please. Please, you have to understand that this is bigger than just you.”

“God, it always is, isn’t it? Maybe I’m sick of that, you know? I mean—you didn’t even read it, did you? What I wrote?”

“I read enough. TJ, I know I ask you for a lot of sacrifices—“

“You don’t even know what’s on it. You don’t even care.”

“That’s not true!”

“Bye, Mom.”

“Thomas Hammond, don’t you hang up that—“

 

**From: editor@ucangetthere.org**  
To: thomasjh1982@gmail.com  
RE: hey this is sara!

Hi Thomas,

Okay, I am going to try to use capital letters and punctuation like a Professional Lady, lol.

I can’t believe I said “lol” and ruined it in the first sentence. Sigh.

Anyway! My girlfriend and I have been reading your blog for the past few weeks, and we really love it. You have a super unique voice. I run a self-help/self-care blog as a side project to my normal Professional Lady life. Growing up, I had it pretty rough. It’s the classic story—foster systems, mental illness, drugs, homelessness. And then I started getting help at this shelter. They helped me find a job, paid for the GED test, showed me how to find a place to live. I’m a senior in college now for counseling, working part time at the mental health center on campus. I really feel like I’m one of the lucky ones, you know? Because a lot of people don’t have that story, and it’s heartbreaking.

I started a sort of general “how to” site for caring for yourself and your mental health, and it ended up becoming my thesis. It has resources and daily tips on how to stay centered and focused, plus a whole big section on reaching out and doing good for others. The only real blogger I have right now is me, because I can’t afford to pay anyone, but I was sort of wondering if you’d like to guest blog now and again? Talk about your experiences with overcoming your addiction—which is so hard, and I just think your blog is really brave, by the way.

I think you’d have a different perspective than me, since (and correct me if I’m wrong, here), it seems like you come from another walk of life. But it’s important to recognize that it doesn’t matter how old or young you are, or where you come from: this can happen to you, and you can fight it.

If you’re not interested, that’s totally fine. It’d only be a blog or two a month—not a huge time commitment, or anything. You’ve got your own blog to run, lol.

Anyway, sorry to take up so much of your time. Let me know.

thx,  
Sara

 

**From: thomasjh1982@gmail.com**  
To: editor@ucangetthere.org  
RE: hey this is sara!

HOLY SHIT, SARA.

i am so honored. like. what are words.

so, i am having some family issues at the moment, and as much as i’d love to enthusiastically scream YESSSS in your face, i need a bit of time. can i let you know?

you are such an amazing person. i am ugly crying over your email. seriously, girl. how are you real? you’re an inspiration.

will let you know asap, k?

\--t

 

**perspective**   
_august 30, 2012_

i am kind of a dick.

the last time i did blow, i od’d. it was an accident, but when i woke up in the hospital, it was the first time in a long time that i felt scared for myself. like, genuinely frightened of what i was and was not capable of.

i think this is the first time since starting this blog that I can remember why i ever wanted to be clean. i want to be better, and rid myself of all this toxic garbage that’s been building up inside of me. my family found out about this blog and asked me to take it down, and i reacted like such a whiny bitch, you know, wondering why i can’t have this. they are all so successful, it’s enough to give a person a complex. and i’ve never really found my niche. my thing.

i don’t know if this is it. all i know is that i’m not ready to give it up yet.

so i won’t. sorry, fam. but i can be nicer about it. i can be better. i can work on forgiving people.

and when i am better, then i can suck a dude’s brain out through his dick. I’M SORRY I HAD TO BE A LITTLE FLIPPANT IT WAS GETTING TOO REAL UP IN HERE.

much love to all of you followers. where do you guys keep coming from? you’re like rabbits. everything time i look, you’ve doubled.

COMMENTS:

_Very proud of you, TJ. –Dr. K_

_I saw your post rec’d on ucangetthere.org. (: That’s how I found you, at least! --anon_

_i added you on the resources page weeks ago, i’m sorry, i should have asked! --sara_

_totally fine, sara.  
\--t_

_Love you. –Benji_

_gross. but also ilu toooo.  
\--t_

 

 

_[Hey, you’ve reached TJ’s cell. I am either busy or ignoring you. If you’re my mom, I’m definitely ignoring you. Stop calling me.]  
TJ, this is your father. Give me a call when you can._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few notes:
> 
> 1\. sorry for the delay! i finished another novel-length fanfic, as well as an original novel. the original one is being published and is SUCH A TIME SUCK. i'm currently in draft two with it, so unfortunately, the wait for chapter 4 will probably be about the same. :( sorry, y'all.
> 
> 2\. WHERE DO ALL OF YOU KEEP COMING FROM?????? HOW DOES THIS STORY HAVE OVER 100 KUDOS?????? IT LITERALLY GOT A KUDOS AS I WAS TRYING TO UPDATE THIS THING. i'm not complaining, i'm just BAFFLED and OVERWHELMED. PA is not a big fandom, and the amount of love this has received seriously staggers me. was i put on a rec list? if you rec'd me, thank you! tell me so i can thank you again! just. wow. y'all are amazing.
> 
> much love, everyone! see ya next time!

**Author's Note:**

> This will be updated semi-regularly. I have a vague idea of where it will go. I work on it every few days, when I get the urge, but it is not my first priority. That said, I have fun working on it, and I just want TJ to be happy, dammit. 
> 
> And Douglas. I HAVE SO MANY DOUGLAS FEELS, Y'ALL.


End file.
